Mine and Cris' life are in a place of flux. Things are constantly on the cusp of happening and we are fully aware that change is coming. What we are unaware of, is how large that change will be, when it will come, in what form and if it will truly allow us to exhale as completely as we hope. I realize I am speaking in code, however, at this point of hanging on there isn't much to say. Nothing has happened, and yet, things are in constant motion. It's too soon to tell. There are lights and a tunnel and the blazing and extinguishing of lights are so fast and frequent that they seem to be a candle flickering on a windy day in the tunnel. Maybe there is a train. It is a tunnel after all. Do you see what is happening? This is me losing my mind.
Because here is the thing: I am all for seeing where life takes me and unpredictability and spontaneity, except when life becomes Jell-o and you get suspended in the process of life. Hanging out, waiting for someone else to jiggle the plate. Metaphors are what happen when you have nothing to say.
There are so many conflicting emotions! I want things for Cris, I want things for myself, I want things for us as a couple and for our future and mostly, I just want the waiting for something good to happen to be over. I want there to be at least one set direction. There is a cross roads. There are like 12 signs, pointing in different directions and we are on a merry go round in the middle and wherever it stops, we have to follow that path and make the most out of it. And THAT is both frustrating and exciting.
Are you exhausted yet? Yeah, well, such has been our lives for the past ... 8 or 9 weeks. I have lost count. Crazy people in institutions lose count too. I realize, with all this whining that I am doing, that there are many many people in the same, similar, or worse boats than we are. There are so many people in these boats that the lake is damn crowded and folks are hitting each other over the head and fighting over the few fish that come to the surface.
I keep myself going by dreaming of all the possible outcomes. I dream about what would happen if this happened and what if that happened and today, today I just want to bake a cake and make it pretty and drink good coffee and read a book and be at peace. But, I am tired and there is much work to be done and slowly but surely, this week will drag on too. And slowly but surely, by the end of the week one or two more possibilities will become clearer in the murky water or disappear completely. And we will come to terms with the disappointment of lost opportunity and we will get excited over a new possible future. And we will soldier on until we finally catch the fish of our destiny. And there will be a feast.
Pretty sure I need to get some sleep. I am only this philosophical when I am sleepy. I could get a phd in philosophy so long as I get no more than 4 hours of sleep a night. That is a law of physics. Which I could never get a phd in because I barely passed high school physics. I am just going to hit publish post now and be done with it.
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I know exactly what you're talking about because I've felt this way, too (crazy people know other crazy people). Here's the thing: this can be an exciting time. But I actually think you're past the point of getting excited about this time in limbo, so I won't even feed you that kool-aid (although it's real). Here's my encouragement: this is a time for you to make decisions about your life, your future, your plans, etc. Because you CAN. This is a time for you to make evaluations without having other things weigh on your mind. This is the time for our bakery/coffee shop. (yeah, I talked to Jennie, and I'm appointing myself coffee/book expert).
ReplyDeleteJoking aside, Anja, this is the right time to really figure things out, before something comes along to flash money or benefits or whatever else that will make some decisions more difficult to make. (and, I like metaphors... especially the jell-o one).
Is it bad that I read "Green Eggs and Ham" in this post? Trains and fish and lakes. You could be in a box or with a fox, there are just so many unknown possibilities, which is entirely exhausting!
ReplyDeleteI hope one of you gets some concrete direction soon...before you turn into Senorita Seusss. :)