Maniac inspiration

I LOVE days like this. It is absolutely beautiful outside. The sun is shining, it is warm, there is a slight breeze, and I woke up feeling happy and content. I am inspired to do the things that I love to do. I just wish there were time to do them all. I am being super productive, but I know that this day will slip away. I just hope that the feeling continues to tomorrow!

I updated my online portfolio today. I am fairly happy with it. I think that it shows the breadth of my ability. I have a hard time being happy with my portfolio though. I know I am talented and I know that I have good ideas and a strong design aesthetic, but, I always look at the things I have done and want to change a million tiny things. Why did I choose that exact shade of red or if I just moved that up a tad ... but I have learned to just leave it alone. I do nice work. I know I do. I just have to be confident in that ability. (If you want to give me feedback, you can see it at anjasmith.blogspot.com)

But now, I feel this surge of creativity and a will to create! Ideas are surging through me and I am stuck at work! No fair! I want to go for a long run, I want to design some jewelry, I want to bake a cherry almond tart, I want to try something I have never tried before ... and all before the daylight runs out. Reality is harsh. Boo to work, Boo to being cooped up inside, Boo to paying bills, Boo to running out of time and light. If any of you have more freedom than I do on this gorgeous day, please use it wisely! Don't stay inside, don't watch tv ... be productive!

Burning down

Sensationalism, and cries of the sky falling are not really my thing, but I am beginning to get worried. And before my journalist friends blast me with their superior knowledge, let me just put out the disclaimer that I am not an expert, I am merely commentating and sharing my view. And my concern is not even completely stemmed from the fact that I am currently employed by a small newspaper either. But, seriously folks, the sky is falling on journalism.

It feels like a domino effect of the business ... recently larger newspapers have closed and more are going to web only. The problem with this web only "solution" is that they aren't going to continue investigative journalism (for the most part). From what I understand about the business models that are being presented is that for the most part they will be publishing content generated by outside sources from the same company. This of course, also only works for the large media companies, like Gannett and such, who have the resources of other publications to support their content.

And besides the problem of the actual business failing, then you also have smart asses like myself who blog about every dang thing in the world and don't have the benefit of editors or you know, journalistic standards, to adhere by. (Again, I am a SOCIETAL COMMENTATOR, I don't do news ... just to clarify that I am not one of these folks :D)

But what I think a lot of people forget, is that it is the small home town newspapers that do things like go to city council and school board meetings, interview local business owners and actually GET INVOLVED in the community. While there is a "replacement" for printed newspapers with online zines, there is not a replacement for the footwork, grueling hours, and crappy pay that these journalists do. And a lot of the legwork that they do is what keeps local politicians and corporations honest. Because there is someone who's job it is to call them on their shit.

One of my favorite "news stories" lately was the hubbub surrounding the fight between Jim Cramer and the almighty Jon Stewart. I think a lot of people missed the point that Jon Stewart was making in the bigger picture. About how the networks are just taking the CEO's words for things and not actually investigating this stuff (seriously folks, it wasn't really about Cramer). But he did make clear the job of a journalist, and remind us all of why it is such an important profession. We have relied on reporters for decades to find the truth behind the lies, to find the cheats, the scoundrels, and the snakes in the grass.

Don't get me wrong, there has been corruption in journalism as well. Plenty of it. Even in the last ten years, the globalization and incorporation of hometown newspapers into these huge media companies has been a problem in itself. But the underlying issue remains the largest. Without people to call attention to a problem, without whistle blowers to create a tizzy about underhanded dealings, the corruption will spread. Because people are greedy. Look at the greed in the banking system when they were allowed to run a muck and at least Cramer got yelled at for not calling that out. That pacifies me a bit, makes me a little warm and fuzzy. But it doesn't change the fact that journalism has to find a place ... and soon. A system that will allow journalists to actually get paid (and better, would be nice) and have the resources to keep up the little things. And to make sure that from the bottom up, things are running smoothly.

If you are reading this on facebook, check out my irregular blog at anjalog.blogspot.com

Why I choose to be blue (collar)

I grew up in a blue collar environment. My mom, without a college degree, has been in and out and is currently in banking, but along the way she has owned her own business with a home daycare and has been a nurses assistant. My father, who never got a high school diploma or a GED, is firmly in the blue collar column. He ran his own lawn care business, was a maintenance man, and now is a plumber. And while my parent's have never been rich, we have done well and live comfortably.

You hear stories about kids who's parent's didn't have much education pushing their kids toward it. But mine always insisted that we at least learn a trade, college was optional. I used to feel, and still do often, guilty for never have gotten a four year degree. 95% of my friends are college graduates, and I often feel like I am not living up to my potential not having that coveted piece of paper.

The truth is though, that there are very few of my friends who have a four year degree or beyond and that have a job that I am jealous of. Or that even fulfills their potential. I have never had trouble finding work. I interview well. I am very articulate and the field I did go into, graphic design, is more about your portfolio and your skill than it is about your degree. I have been very lucky in the job department.

But, I never stop talking about going back to school. I know for a fact I want to be self employeed eventually. If only I had some start up money, I would already be. But, along the way I have thought of going to law school, social work, therapist, personal trainer, and even a life coach (I will write a post on that later). Not to mention my lifelong dream of being a welder and a firefighter.

The more I think about these things though, and the more I think about how I like to spend my time, I realize that ... I don't want to go to school to think. I want to go to school to DO. I am a doer. I like working with my hands. I realized at some point that not only would a blue collar job save me in a recession like the one we are in, but would also make me happier. I like being physically tired at the end of the day. I like my body and my mind having to work in unison. And there is no shame in that. It doesn't make a person with a phd smarter than me (well, theoretically). I am smart person. I CHOOSE this.

I have decided to go back to school to be a pastry chef. It allows me to keep being creative, but I get to work with my hands. And eating doesn't really go into recession. Everyone eats. It is also a flexible enough career that I can open my own bakery down the road. I get sideways looks by most when I tell them what I want to go back to school for. I think people feel that I am not living up to my potential. But I ask for some trust, for some faith that I am going to do great things with my abilities. That I am going to be successful no matter what I am doing. Because I am a successful person. That is what I decided for myself a long time ago. And, people that know me would agree, when I decide something I won't be stopped.

Loving my addictions.

My only real vice is coffee. I mean, sure I drink and occasionally smoke, but not to the point that I would call it a "vice". But coffee ... oh, coffee ... how you steal my heart. I NEED COFFEE. Once, my mother gave me a bag of really nice coffee beans that she had sitting around because she didn't have a grinder. I love grinding my coffee beans, especially high quality, really dark beans. There isn't a color, smell, or texture in the world that makes me happier than freshly ground coffee beans. So all week I grind these beans and drink my normal morning pot of coffee.

This also happened to be at the start of fall, and with the weather changes, I was getting these HORRIBLE headaches. They were practically debilitating. I even went home early one day because I am thinking, I have never had allergies this bad or maybe I am starting to get migraines. And it was around Thursday (this had been going on since the previous weekend) that I thought to look at the front of the bag ... decaf. DECAF! I had been depriving my body of it's caffeine (and large amount of it, I might add) all week. And by this time, the headaches weren't coming as bad. I was weaning myself of the caffeine.

I told my friends that day of my discovery. First, they couldn't believe that I was sooo addicted to caffeine that it had messed me up that badly. They had witnessed my pain! And secondly, they thought it was a bit pathetic. So I had a decision to make. I was off of caffeine. It was out of my system. I could keep drinking decaf and be a healthier person. But then, I had a reality check. I LIKE caffeine. It is my one addiction, and as far as addictions go, it is fairly mild.

But now, I am worried I am forming a new addiction. As for how innocent, that is still up for discussion. I am now on myspace, facebook, blogger, plinky and artbistro. Actively. I know! Oh, and one German facebook that I am not so active on ... I just know someone. Long story. Anyway, I have also discovered the joy of rss feeds. Google Reader! I can follow my blogs, the news ... it is like all the websites I go to .. in ONE PLACE. IT IS AWESOME. But I think that my dependence on the internet is increasing. My need to feel connected may be unhealthy.

I do have the excuse that most of my friends live in a different state and it is a great way to keep in touch with them! I know. It's lame.

Hi, my name is Tina from Connecticut.

I like to think that I am not a "mean girl". Mostly because I think that they give all girls a bad name and I can't stand being around them. You know the kind of girl I am talking about. The ones who make catty comments on what someone is wearing or how attractive they are and generally have the attitude of thinking they are better than everyone else. I wasn't really popular in high school, so I think there is a very specific attitude and lifestyle that I associate with "mean girls". And I do realize that I myself become judgmental (a symptom of a mean girl) when I decide that a girl is in fact a "mean girl". But honestly, everyone judges to some degree so I forgive myself.

There are a few friends that I have though, that really bring the mean girl out in me. My worst offense of being a mean girl was at a concert in Atlanta. We went to go see this indie band no one had heard of and at the last minute this British pop star decides she wants to do an after show at the same venue. It was really annoying because the bands didn't exactly jive and you knew EXACTLY who was there to see which band. It was like following Nine Inch Nails with Miley Cyrus, only with fewer opportunities for pedophilia. Anyway, I was a little drunk and annoyed that all these preppy kids were in the audience and there was this kid (and he was a kid, like 18 probably) standing in front of me in a white polo, bleached hair spiked up, and his COLLAR POPPED. This was in the height of the popping the collar frenzy. Now, I was with a friend who is the WORST at turning me into a mean girl. I won't name names. So I say to my friend, "I dare you to tell that kid his collar is up." She looks at me with wild eyes of inspiration and taps him on the shoulder. Whispers something in his ear, and then gives me THE look. It is worth mentioning that this friend is very pretty and generally, guys bend to her will. I can't help but bust up laughing. So, the poor kid actually puts his collar down after lamely trying to explain that it is on purpose. I felt bad. Even drunk and annoyed as I was, I knew we were making this poor kid feel so uncomfortable. Collar guy moves away from us. So later, the show is over and we walk across the street to Kroger, killing time until we are sober enough to drive back to SC and we whip around this corner and a few aisles away we see collar guy. And, in all my drunken wisdom, I yell, "Hey, look! It's collar guy!" And I get pulled down the aisle by my friend, laughing hysterically.

Now, don't get me wrong. It was really funny at the time. But I realize that I was being EXACTLY the kind of person that I HATE. And I am not proud of myself for acting that way. I do, however, maintain one mean girl caveat that I hold onto and cherish.

My friend Lindy and I decide one night that we can pinpoint people, right upon meeting them, that we won't get along with. Again, judgmental yes, but, most people probably think that of people with facial tattoos, and I just happen to feel that way about people that have their initials embroidered into everything they own (and it is probably polka dotted and pink at the same time). I am a bit more open minded these days, and wouldn't rule these people out this way, but I still like to think of them as Tina from Connecticut. We decided that the most boring person we could imagine would probably be named Tina and would definitely be from Connecticut. (Now, before you go crazy and start defending Connecticut, I have since met very nice people from there and changed my position, but at the time I knew no one interesting from the state and couldn't think of any great contributions to society from them.)

But this, again, is where it gets kind of bad. So, when we meet someone that we think of as a Tina from Connecticut, the verbal cue is to say, "Hey! You remind me so much of my friend Tina from Connecticut!" And the other one would agree or disagree saying something like, "Oh, no, she looks nothing like Tina!" or "OH my GOSH! You are so right!". And the person, who we already have decided we won't like, is none the wiser. Yep. It is mean and petty and cruel. And I am ... sorta ... not proud of it. We didn't actually use it very often, once or twice, maybe. But we still laugh at the theory of Tina from Connecticut. I suppose this is my way of coming clean. Admitting my sins and absolving myself of the guilt. Sort of makes me wish I was Catholic...

Talking heads and why I am a villain.

I know for a fact that I am not the only person that talks to themselves in the car. I admit this to people fairly often, because I am not ashamed, and mostly people tell me that they do it too. Those of us that are this kind of crazy (I won't name names) have, up until recently, been shamed into silence when we reach a stop light or sign lest the person in the car next to us think we are totally insane. But then along came hands free cell phones and AHHHHHHHhhhhhhh, big sigh of relief, we don't look crazy anymore! Well, we do, but people don't bat an eye anymore at someone who appears to be talking to themselves.

The thing is, I am not crazy, I just think better out loud. And I don't live by myself anymore so the car is really the only opportunity I have to think things through. It is like therapy for me. I replay conversations that have gone badly, I practice tough conversations that are ahead, and I figure out the best way to phrase stuff that would otherwise sound mean. Because I tend to sound mean. I have come to terms with that. My mother used to say to me, "You should look in the mirror when you say things sometimes". She said that a lot actually. Because, although I think I am just being truthful, or frank. I, apparently, am being mean.

The positive thing here is that these "practice sessions" of mine, help keep be from coming across this way. Because I have come to grips with the fact that I am a mean person. I REALLY ALMOST NEVER TRY TO BE! That is the worst part. If only the world knew how nice I was. Sigh. I like to think that if I am mad at you, you know it. But apparently, you **know** it even when I don't.

I used to be friends with this girl who got away with being an asshole all the time. She could say things in the most adorable way ... things like, "You have such a messed up face!" but then she would giggle and bat her eyelashes and everyone just thought it was adorable. How the hell do people get away with that?!? I wish someone would let me in on it, because when I bat my eyelashes I just get asked if there is something in my eye and they tell me it serves me right because I am a big fat meanie face.

So, I guess if you are ever talking to me, and I say something mean ... tell me I need more practice or hand me a mirror or something. I don't take offense. I get it, I am doomed to be a villain. I don't like puppies or kittens, I am mean without trying, and I don't get the baby thing. See ... villain.

Barely there blogger

Christy and Jennie really are the bestest friends. They inspire me to do awesome stuff like keep up with my blogging (now if I could just get them to join twitter ... hint hint). But, as I am becoming increasingly obsessed with blogging, I am being continuously let down by blogger. I think the problem is that I have gotten incredibly spoiled by facebook and how versatile it is in it's ability to take over my life. So here is my ideas for how blogger could improve in that department.

1a. Make it easier to view my comments that people have left.
2b. Email me when someone posts a new blog that I am following.
3c. Make comments more conversational by having an actual thread (and inform me when people post on that thread)

That is really all. Anyone else have any ideas?