I hate Andy Rooney

I'm sorry but I do. He is the worst kind of old person. If you ask my friend Christy, old people are adorable and she loves them and "Oh isn't he cute" ... NO. Christy can have her old people. Except Andy Rooney because he just needs to be stopped. WHY does he still have a column. I wish I could have a nationally syndicated column about the random crap that comes into my head. Yesterday his column was about swimsuits ... or wait ... was it about suits? I don't know because he meanders between the two subjects and just goes on and on and on in a way that doesn't even make sense, much less have a point. And then he says he wishes he could be alive when they finally get rid of tops on woman's swimsuits. Way to be an asshole Andy Rooney.

The story, I think, is meant to be cute and anecdotal about how far swimsuits have come since this ancient man was a kid when men wore a full body swimsuit. But then he starts talking about a dress suit that he bought with two pairs of trousers. And he closes with how the girl who lived next door was a better swimmer than the boys. Like this is unbelievable. Way to be an asshole Andy Rooney.

One of the other memorable columns of Andy's that comes to mind was about fruit. And how it is expensive. That's it. Like 800 words on expensive fruit. Like you don't have more money than God you old bastard.

I just think maybe it is time for him to retire. He is not making any profound, or even unprofound statements or ideas. Just a meandering mind. It's like someone gives him a noun and he just thinks about it and writes it all down. I am going to write an Andy Rooney column. Just to prove that anyone can do it.

I choose my topic: Coffee.

I like coffee. I have been drinking coffee since I was a young child. Some people say that coffee stunts growth, but I guess it doesn't do that too badly because I am six feet tall. It's strange how myths about the things we eat are thought to be true. It seems like every day a new study comes out about whether or not coffee is good for you. I don't think it is too bad. I drink a lot of coffee and it hasn't hurt me yet.

Coffee is expensive. I would say it is a luxury item. Of course, there are lots of different kinds of coffee and some is more expensive than others. I tend to buy middle of the road coffee. Not too expensive, but not bottom of the barrel. Some people swear by Starbucks. I have never been a huge fan of Starbucks. I think it is overpriced.

Did you know that coffee is not grown in America? We import all of our coffee from other countries. Africa and South America are common places to get coffee from. I suppose it is the hot climate that makes those places good for growing coffee. I also like a french roast. But I am not sure if coffee is grown in France, or just roasted there. I wonder about that.

One thing I will say about the quality of my coffee is that I prefer to grind my own beans. Some people think this is a hassle but I just keep my grinder on my counter and it isn't too bad. In the morning I get up and grind my beans and start my coffee.

Some people drink their coffee black. My friend Jennie drinks her coffee black. I did, once upon a time. But then I decided that like a little bit of cream. I think this is a luxury also. I choose to enjoy my coffee this way however, and find I enjoy it more. We should get to enjoy a few luxuries in life.

THE END.

Don't believe me that this reads EXACTLY like an Andy Rooney column? Check it:

http://www.tmsfeatures.com/columns/humor/andy-rooney/25554359.html?articleURL=http://rss.tmsfeatures.com/websvc-bin/rss_story_read.cgi?resid=200902251800TMS_____AROONEY__ctnxo-a_20090227