How did I wind up with this bleeding heart?

I feel the need to preface this post with: I love my father and he is my hero. That said:

I spent this weekend at my parents for Mother's Day (mommy shout out!) and had a really nice time. I got to chill out a little and for once, did not over schedule myself. Saturday night was spent with just a few friends and my parents, talking about old times and face transplants. Good stuff! Surprisingly, this post is NOT about the face transplant part of that conversation. Didn't see that coming did you?

As long as I can remember, my Dad has been mortifying me with inappropriate jokes. I *think* it is how he shows his love ... by making racist, homophobic (yes, he knows he has a gay daughter, more on that later) and anti-liberal jokes. He honestly does not mean them*. He just knows that they bother me. But, what I don't understand, is how I got to be that way. Because, the thing is, this has been going on since I was very young. Logically, the credit should go to my mother for instilling such a strong moral compass in me and probably a little to my father for his actions speaking louder than his crude words.

He shared some of his comedic gold with us Saturday night and it brought up more than a few memories that I am mortified and shocked to share with you. I think I am going to compile them into a list of top 5 most inappropriate moments with my father (that I can think of off the top of my head, right at this moment).

5. I learned to shoot a gun sometime around the age of ten.**
4. He has been trying to convince me for at least 10 years that it honestly is not fair that African-Americans get to use "the N word".
3. One of his pet names for me as a kid was "water head baby".
2. My strongest memories of my father from my middle school years are of us staying up late and watching Howard Stern together.
1. The following dialogue occurred between us less than a year ago:
Dad to me: Hey, where can I buy gay pride stickers?
Me: I am not answering that.
Dad: Why? (laughing hysterically)
Me: Because I don't trust you. What do you want them for?
Dad: I want a "Proud to be a gay plumber sticker" to put on the back of a guy at works truck. As a joke.
Me: That is offensive.
Dad: Why?!?
Me: Because!
Dad: But it's funny. He will be so upset!
Me: That is why it is offensive.
Dad: What do you mean? ....
It kept going. For about 20 minutes I tried to explain to him why it is offensive. I trust my audience does not need the same explanation.

* I think.
** In both of my parents defense, we had guns in the house and we merely learned to shoot them for safety reasons. I only put this on the list because I am so adamantly against guns now. BTW, Gun control is the number one reason my father is a republican. Which, along with watching Fox News, I also think he only does to annoy me.